I was born to tell you i love you.

farriskid16 @ 2008-09-25T14:22:00

2008-09-25T21:22:09Z

n life our feet fall upon a road,
some roads twist,
some are a confused mess,
others are simply straight and uncrooked.

But no matter how fast your feet travel down the road,
Never forget to look behind you
and treasure the distance wandered.
If you loose sight of what you've done,
the possibility that one will simply forget, remains valid.
Always remember how you've gotten to the spot you now stand in.
As you look back,
Don't forget to view the ground below and remember,
that there's not one set of foot prints but two.

But a word for the wise,
Don't waste time staring at your traversed ground,
No, do not, for this is the height of folly,
do not long for the things of the past.
Instead, hold your head high,
With eyes straight forward,
Allow your feet to move in search of views you've yet to see.
Do not forget to appreciate all you see as you pass it,
hold it in your heart.
Never let it go, for each step taken is a part of your journey.
A journey that never really ends, but stretches and grows before you.
Keep your steps sure,
Your heart pure,
And your eyes fixed ahead,
Friends?
Travel on.

farriskid16 @ 2008-08-04T22:47:00

2008-08-05T05:51:02Z

UPDATES
The book, so i feel that's all i update on but... it's a prevelant part of my life right now, and i'm trying to get as much done as i can, because when school starts i'll be working 30 hours a week and going to school full time. *sigh* it makes me exhausted just to think of it. ANYWHO.

So Val is being val, and i actually have had a hard time sleeping because the possible plot lines keep flowing through my head. I actually have gotten up at least once every night for the last week to write some of it down... I have missed actually WRITING the book to be honest. Lately it's been all about the revision. I re-wrote about 3 chapters, for flowing sake. I just finished the first chapter. Er... lemme see, oh right. We changed the name of Val's brother, to Conall. I can't decided if i want to nickname him Al, or just leave it alone. We also changed the name of the family name. It was orginally Dunbar, but we changed it to Vadas. Which coincidentally is the name of the book, the other three are going to flow from that so that the titles themselves tell a short story. hmmm...

so far my favorite thing about this book is Valerie and Jay, their relationship is so fiery and splendid, i simply love writing them. Though, i must admit i have kind of modeled him after my ideal guy. *wiggles eyebrows* hhhaa, so this is a scene i wrote... hmm about 2 days ago..ENJOY.

I was currently snuggled next to my vampire husband. Who was humming with his eyes closed looking entirely too blissful for his own good. I wondered where my clothes had gotten to. I tried to remember last night. But as usual I tended forget what I was about after I started kissing Jay. I took the sheet with me, though the silk sheet was lovely, I could not continue to walk around the house in a sheet. I had been in our room when he had come home this morning from work, when well things had gotten out of hand. Blast, the stupid vampire, had probably hidden them from me again. I got out of bed and glared at him. ‘Really Val, a sheet? We are married; I don’t think modesty really is an issue anymore.’ I tied the sheet so I could put my hands on my hips, so that I could glare more effectively. “Blasted man, where are my clothes.’ He grinned mysteriously ‘well I dunno sweetie, where did you last see them.’ I sighed and rubbed my temples, ‘Jay…’ It was a warning. If the man was thick enough not to heed my warning then I shouldn’t feel too guilty about what I was about to do to the poor guy. I let a smile spread across my face, his smile was suddenly gone. A few nights ago, he had let information slip. Which I was about to take full advantage of. On accident he had told me, that I had power over him. He began to look at me suspiciously ‘Jayden…’ I walked real slowly towards him sat next to him on the bed, I maneuvered myself that I wasn’t on top of him but I was close, ‘Jay, where are my clothes lover?’ He continued to stone wall me. I kissed him soundly “Jayden where did you put my clothes?’ His eyes became unfocused, ‘I … uh…’ his voice cracked. I kissed him again. ‘Honey, where are my clothes?’ he heaved a resigned sigh ‘I threw them under the couch.’ I clapped my hands together ‘excellent!’ I used my gift to call them to me so I wouldn’t have to give him to gratification see me scrambling on the floor. As I got dressed he said ‘this is a game I am no longer going to win is it?’ I ran up to him. Kissed his cheek and said ‘Afraid not.’ I smiled and whirled out of the room.

farriskid16 @ 2008-05-16T21:44:00

2008-05-17T04:46:47Z

i feel like i'm doing what i ought to, yet i've never felt so lost, i can't even write stuff for my book, so i've gone to doing what i do, painting being messy and writing emo stuff..
Silence echoes about the house,
A face both beautiful and tortured,
Hides behind a pane of glass,
She seems happy, but sorrow touches her face.
She smiles, but silent tears stream down her face,
She gently leans forward, as though to reach through the glass,
As though searching for a bit of respite,
Her fingers touch naught but the glass,
She gently rests her forehead against the frame.
And quite suddenly she begins to change,
Suddenly she’s not so beautiful anymore,
Her features change,
Her eyes become angry, her smile distorted.
She slams, bangs and rages against the glass for escape,
She silently screams inside the glass,
Praying it will crack, hoping some magic will make it change,
Loosing hope,
I once again step away from the mirror.

The appartment is wonderful, my room mates, better than i could have dreamed.
Yet i feel lost.
Not right, off center unbalanced.

..

2008-03-13T04:55:47Z

I leave soon to spend the next 10 days, in italy and england.
Me= exstatic.

Beauty.

2008-03-07T05:46:18Z

Beauty.

So i know i know 2 post's in one day.. a bit excessive.. but it's important i swear.
So someone told me earlier this week, that i was gorgeous... which i dind't take for much.
But today, without makeup, in jeans and a t-shirt, someone told me i was beautiful.
I honestly asked myself the question internally of course.
I ask myself, really? am i?
Like i had to ask that question.
It makes me mad, that i can't except that maybe i'm not just okay looking maybe i am beautiful. The word for me, is not just a word. Beauty to me, means not just beautiful in appearence but in spirit, so someone thought i was quite pleasing inward and out. Something inside me sang a little. I'm thinking that maybe, all of this.. is finally going somewhere.. all the drawing, writing and postive community. I'm thinking maybe people really can change. If i'm able to look in the mirror, in a tshirt and jeans without makeup and glasses. And just stare at myself, and find myself worth in me. Not in my weight size, not in how low or tight of clothes i'm wearing. Not in the amount of make-up is caked across my features. Not whom i'm dating or not dating. just look into that mirror, and be able to without laughing or groaning. Honestly believe i am beautiful. i can look like show stopper but look in the mirror, and my emotional state makes me feel like the ugliest girl in the room. Is this something that because of the things i've gone through exists in me? Is this something all girl's deal with? or is this something that society has created in me. Really i can't say. I just want to feel beautiful. Not have people tell me i am, and say thank you but not honestly believe them.
Why can't we just be women, Be beautiful, feel beautiful and know we are beautiful?

This year

2008-03-05T20:58:36Z

As seriously it's been THAT LONG.
um, went back to the boy i shouldn't have.
and it was one of the happiest times of my life.
I'm tired of games, and i just... somehow can't stop
myself from looking at the phonebook and wanting to call,
i want to pretend like it doesn't matter none of it.
But then i'd be lying and i'd hurt him more than i already have.
Why am i so terrible at this?
Lame.
On the upp and up dad's still a jerk.
Mom's rocking things.
Brother's are stellar.
Ruth's like engaged.
erm... NAU in the fall.
Daniel's like totally a goner, on this amazing chika.
Jessica and Alan are at that forever point as well.
Joanna and Paul are engaged.
And here i sit.
totally single, and probally still in love with the one i can't have.
bah, whatever.
But music makes the heart happy.
Fav's.
VINYL:
Beatles::Fantasia sound track.
Cd::
Dear Juliet.
The Fray.

Jesus, keeps popping up in the most unexpected places.. i looove it.

farriskid16 @ 2007-04-21T16:39:00

2007-04-21T23:39:18Z

people on shrooms equals the funniest shit ever.

farriskid16 @ 2007-04-16T22:29:00

2007-04-17T05:29:56Z

i am so annoyed with myself right now.

farriskid16 @ 2007-03-11T13:29:00

2007-03-11T20:29:36Z

i've branched out.
i now have a blog spot.
:]] and it is pretty fantabolous.
well.. i ALOT ALOT ALOT of laundry to do..before i go to work..
woop for being a hostess.
at least i won't be there till like 10 cleaning.

farriskid16 @ 2007-03-09T01:56:00

2007-03-09T08:59:30Z

i am in desperate need of just a really great party.
yeeeep.
my life is far to deep and complicated.
recap.
Dad left.
mom wants me to go to counseling for being verbally abused for 2 years by said father.
dad drinks to much.
me...feels weighed down by all my family issues.
thinks dad is physco.
thinks mom have been raped.
brothers need more emotional help than i can give.
like i said.
i am in need of a good fun time.. possible drunkenees.. just because.

bumbum bum.

2007-02-21T00:11:57Z

Life sucks as of late.
i tried to cute theater/acting out of mylife this year.. and i've realized i can't do it.

i love it far to much.
hollywood maybe?
with some modleing on the side.
Boys are idiots.
Father's are meant to let you down..
and i'm juust who i am.
Damn, i sound emo.

farriskid16 @ 2007-01-13T22:10:00

2007-01-14T05:10:16Z

here i sit.
and knowing what i know now.
i can't help but feel irresitably stupid.
This break has been amazing. i have felt the queen of the world at times.
And other's i've felt like a squashed tomato oozing all my life out until i was just a shell of nice normal thing i once was.
the beggings were full of smiles and giggling and tickling on the floor when i would smile up at you because the joy in my heart was so great there was no way else to express it.
But then i the realizations i have now.
I feel heart broken. I know i wasn't in love with you.
But my heart is still crushed.
Even after i said i wouldn't i did.
and now im exasperated.
Because everypone has their acheilous heal.
And you sir are mine.
And i hate and love you for it.
i really need to not do it AGAIN.
i really need to attempt to stand on my own to feet.
but legs are wobbling and i feel like i just might fall over.
and i know if i do you'll be there to catch me.
But when you catch me it's going to hurt because you'll only be there long enough to help me back up before you leave.
I need to move on.
But how do yuo move on, when there is nobody to move onto?
:[[

farriskid16 @ 2006-12-29T21:52:00

2006-12-30T04:52:28Z

I'm doing a reflection thingy on the new year, all the cool kids are doing it!
:]] jk..

so i'll follow jenny's lead and go a month at a time.

Janurary-
I was at the cabin with the lindstroms praying that it would snow goofing around with my family enjoying the new year, also enjoying being ina relationship with ben and all the fuzzy feelings he made me feel.

Febuarary-
Uuhh winter camp, and jessica's accident, realizing i could have lost someone who was soo intensely important to me. Was a world shatter-er.
uuh still dating ben., around this time i killed my knee runnning track and the trainers pulled me out of training, because i was soo severely injured they put me on crutches.

March-
I turned 18, still dating ben and things were going really well for us. Ermmm. yeah, jessica was recooperating. off crutches.

April-
I felt a heart break bigger than anything i have ever felt before, like my heart was ripped out of chest lit on fire and then driven over with a huge semi truck. How do you react when the one person who promised PROMISED to protect you and care for you suddenly deciedes you arent worth it? This month was spent, going to school, keeping to myself because dad didn't want people to know he'd left yet..so i was numb. And i had to pretend like i was okay, so at night i would make dinner, cuddle with my mom till she got sleepy then make the rounds with the boys making sure they were doing okay, i was so busy i ddin't really refllect on anything.

May-
Prom- which i couldn't go to because my boyfreind was off at track nationals in virgina. So i stayed home.. i don't remember really when it happened... but after 5 months of being together the distance became to much an we ended things.when your heart is in one place an your body in another, you can't handle it for long.
25th a day i wiill forever remember.
the HOT HOT HOT sun during the day, and complaining to ben. texting like 5000million people all saying the same thing it's sooo hot will they ever shut up? hahha. Then after giong to becca's and undigging the box. and laughing so hard it hurt. Zebra Cakes and the saga. good times.

June-
My europe adventure and what an adventure it was, meeting tasha and falling in love with england and all that it has to offer. The beautiful country side. ahhh england will forever be in my heart as well as all those memories.

July-
Return from europe, spending time with becca and enjoying having my best ferind back and the musketeers, me, becca and dan. Taco bell, dr pepper and mario kart.

August-
First semester of college and realizing i can be pre-med and suceed.

September-
My whirlwind romance was beggining. And time with dan spent on the floor cuddling and listening to music and drawing and talking.

October-
Uhh life. And realizing i boys can hurt and really really hurt. Realizing on accident i trusted a boy again only to be hurt AGAIN. Although it wasnt what i thought and we weren't official that it HURT.

November-
spending time missing him, wanting him near and living for the time when we were together and it was like old times, our walks together our advetures and cuddling on your couch..and the hug by my car where i started to cry because missing you was just to much hurt.. and the look in your eyes when i realized it hurt you just as much, and then the kiss the one where i thought for just a second it could might work.

December-
The realization that iam trusting him again.. And that i miss the feel of his hands around my waist, even though it's been about..2 weeks. and i miss being alone with you and the smiles.. phone calls just aren't the same.

farriskid16 @ 2006-12-23T16:41:00

2006-12-23T23:41:53Z

'I'm only human, and THAT is MY saving grace.'

i want to feel this way again soon..

2006-12-18T06:15:21Z

V1: I've been awake for a while now
you've got me feelin like a child now
cause every time i see your bubbly face
i get the tinglies in a silly place

C: It starts in my toes
makes me crinkle my nose
where ever it goes i always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go

V2: The rain is fallin on my window pane
but we are hidin in a safer place
under the covers stayin dry and warm
you give me feelins that i adore

C: It starts in my toes
makes me crinkle my nose
where ever it goes
i always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go

B: What am i gonna say
when you make me feel this way
I just........mmmmmmmmmmm

C: It starts in my toes
makes me crinkle my nose
where ever it goes
i always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go

V3: I’ve been asleep for a while now
You tucked me in just like a child now
Cause every time you hold me in your arms
Im comfortable enough to feel your warmth

C: It starts in my soul
And I lose all control
When you kiss my nose
The feelin shows
Cause you make me smile
Baby just take your time
Holdin me tight

Where ever, where ever, where ever you go
Where ever, where ever, where ever you go…..

farriskid16 @ 2006-12-17T01:35:00

2006-12-17T08:35:39Z

im so overwhelmed.
awesome last couple of days with dan.
craziness is giong on right now i have to keep repeating.
Breathe just Breathe

farriskid16 @ 2006-12-14T15:09:00

2006-12-14T22:09:20Z

Kara Kelly: Idenity
this really really represents where im at in my life.

i've wasted all these years

drowning in my own fears

id hide behind the mask i'd made

but it wasn't worth the price i paid

feeling so empty

im changing my idenity to the person inside

the person i was meant to be is finally coming alive.

it's easier said than done

i feel like im juged by everyone

i know it may seem overwhelming

but i refuse to hide

and those who truly love me

love me for who i am inside

im changing my idenity to who i am inside

the person i was meant to be is finally coming alive.

im changing my idenity to who i am inside

the person i was meant to be is finally coming alive.

oh the girl behind the mask

is no longer a slave

the emptyiness

the lonliness

and shame

the girl behind the mask is no longer a slave to:

the emptyiness

the lonliness

and shame

im changing my idenity to who i am inside

the person i was meant to be is finally coming alive.

Alive

MIHGUG&T^#%^$@!

2006-12-13T01:36:29Z

That is what i have to say about that.
Boys are Bastards..
The end.
I guess i owe you a slight elaboration.
They have no business, squeezing secrets smiles out of me.
Nor do they have any business giving me kisses that make me want to melt into a puddle on the floor.
Also, they have no business making my stomach flutter when they grab my waist.
i promised.
I PROMISED MYSELF DAMMNIT!
I promised i wouldn't do this, with you AGAIN.
SO i won't im going to deny myself your delectable kisses, because i NEED to move on.
Thanks for listening LJ.
Ah, that felt good.
Also, i hate my parents.
annd im about to have curfew.. i forgot to tell my mom where i was at..
and now she's REALLY REALLY pisssed... like so mad she won't even answer me..
i thought i was doing so good this year.
Guess not.

p.s schools' over.. WOOT.
before any elation could set in.
Real life kicked it's way into view.

farriskid16 @ 2006-12-08T10:08:00

2006-12-08T17:08:33Z

ahaha.
School's over.
Let the parties begin.

farriskid16 @ 2006-12-05T22:14:00

2006-12-06T05:14:00Z

I'm so overwhelmed

humph ... im on this waaaaaaaaaaaay to much

2006-12-05T01:28:35Z

farriskid16 @ 2006-12-04T18:14:00

2006-12-05T01:14:20Z

Track meet where you are FREEZING, but loving every single second.

BEST FRIENDS WHO MAKE YOU SMILE NO MATTER WHAT KIND OF DAY YOU'RE HAVING.

KNOWING THAT NO MATTER WHAT, WHAT THE CROSS STANDS FOR WILL NEVER EVER CHANGE

THAT NO MATTER HOW ACKWARD OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS MADE THINGS I WILL ALWAYS HAVE THE MEMORIES FROM THE SUMMER.

NO MATTER WHERE I GO, OR WHO I BECOME I LOVE THESE GIRLS WITH ALL THAT I AM.

NO MATTER HOW PAINFUL RUNNING WITH A KNEE INJURY IS, I LOVED EVERY SECOND.

I LOVE THE TIME I GET TO SPEND WITH MY FAMILY
.

I LOVE HOW EX-BOYFRIENDS CAN STILL MAKE ME SMILE ALOT.

I ALSO LOVE MY DOGS!

AND IF I COULD I WOULD BUY A CARMEL FRAPH EVERYDAY...HMMM

SO FOR NOW, I LOVE ALL OF THESE THINGS.

farriskid16 @ 2006-12-04T13:18:00

2006-12-04T20:18:52Z

It hurts when you need me
And I can't break your fall
And it hurts when you can't see
And it hurts

Drop the switch, scratch the itch, watch it glow
inch by inch, the cutting board
Watch it swing to and fro
Everyone carries one deep inside
It's just a matter of how much you let it slide

And it hurts when you're lonely
And I'm standing right beside you there
And it hurts when you told me
That you'll try this on your own

farriskid16 @ 2006-12-03T20:55:00

2006-12-04T03:55:20Z

do you ever ponder what life is about and just go..
HARUMPH!

Thoughts

2006-12-03T04:25:20Z

Sometimes, i become to pensive. Maybe it's the price i pay for being artsy, i just don't know. But christmas, makes me wonder. I guess all my insecurties about my future and all that 'that' encompasses. Freaks me out a bit. I run from all the guys who care about me. And, i don't really know why. And now that christmas is coming, it will be the first family celebration since my parents seperation. I want my dad. But i don't want to want him. Last time i needed my daddy he wasn't there. He abandoned us. What kind of a father does that? And yet, he is the only one i have.I know he loves me but still... ahhh im being really moody maybe pmsy alttle i don't know.just some thoughts, on my life that nobody will read. Am i doomed to lead a 'safe' life. Being reckless and putting yourself out there to get hurt is just so damn scary.
The end.